Trigger Warning: rape, sexual assault
There are so many things I want to say, and it's hard to space them out between blog posts and not write a novel all at once.
Yesterday, I went back to the gym for my third session after over six months away (well, almost a year, aside from a six week window in the fall in which I went back briefly and then thought better of it). SORE is an understatement. I know I have to endure the pain of soreness in order to progress. I also what I need to do to feel better today: Go for a walk or practice yoga. Alas, I have not done neither, and I've been sitting at my computer all day instead, lamenting to my dog (the only one around to "listen") about my back-to the-gym aches.
(What the heck?!?! Isn't this a blog about birding and women's safety? Stay with me...)
I've been having a bit of a tough time since the incident I outlined in my Albuquerque post (which you can read
here if you missed it).
What incident? Nothing happened! is probably a likely response. And true. Nothing happened, except that I got scared. Very scared, re-triggering the anxiety of rape trauma. It seems to come in waves; like the aftershocks in the wake of an earthquake.
The men were likely harmless; I don't know what they were doing at the top of the mountain, very poorly dressed for hiking in the snow. But here is where comes the importance of men having awareness about the way women may be feeling. I want to believe these men had no idea the anxiety they were causing me, throwing me into a full-blown panic attack across the parking lot while doing, essentially, nothing at all.
Prior to the stop in Albuquerque, I was in California, speaking with a male friend of mine, brainstorming with him while in the developing stages of this project. He shared that he walks his dog regularly at the park, and that the prior day, he was walking his dog and came around the bushes where a woman was on the phone. She immediately began walking in the opposite direction. My friend commented that in the past, he would have figured she just wanted some privacy on the phone. Now, after the highly publicized birding assault article came out (which you can read
here - trigger warning and parental caution advised), he said he wonders if she was scared of him. I'm finding it likely that most women wouldn't define it as "scared", moreso the cautious thing we've been taught to do since childhood. The interest in safety and self-preservation is so engrained in most women's minds, that it's in our subconscious at all times.
Several times since Albuquerque, I've had anxiety episodes, which manifest differently amongst individuals, but for me, I often feel little to no symptoms of anxiety itself; my body just goes straight into shutdown mode and I nearly pass out. It happened when I was out birding with a friend in the Rio Grande Valley, and again while I was guiding a client at the Gladys Porter Zoo, bustling with visitors. More recently, I was birding with a friend in a highly populated area. I was doing the driving, and we stopped at a park briefly, where I was interviewed about my history and my big year. (I must preface this by saying the interviewer was wonderful, sensitive, and did not ask any inappropriate questions whatsoever.) Slowly, over the course of the day, my emotional capacity and ability to manage normal annoyances went downhill. I pulled out the wrong way on a road and had to turn around. My dog was being particularly whiny. I was cold, and hungry, and tired, sick of driving and stressed about getting the birds I needed for the year checked off. I wasn't having fun anymore.
Although I have sometimes struggled with stress and balancing workload, I never truly struggled with anxiety until after my sexual assault in June 2018. Many who have a trauma history will read the Albuquerque post and understand. Anxiety feels a bit like a runaway train, and sometimes we need assistance in derailing it in order to minimize the damage. I asked for help with navigation, or help with driving, which were both met with a lack of response, and asked for a hug which was met mostly with annoyance. I needed something to break the positive feedback loop anxiety causes, and being in the car with someone, with no space to myself, left me with limited ways to cope. In the coming days, we tried to work through what happened, and I tried to better convey what I was going through, but in the end, I was told I was "the absolute neediest person" my friend has ever known, and we have parted ways.
I bought a house all by myself last year. This year, I'm traveling the country alone. I am an independent woman with human moments of need. I am not a needy woman. It is unfortunate when a person assigns a temporary trauma response as a permanent personality trait.
To those who don't have a history of trauma, please listen to your friends who have been through trauma, and do your best to understand them. Educate yourselves on the types of support your friends may need, and if you don't know how to support a friend in a situation, asking "how can I best support you right now?" tends to work wonders. We are strong, resilient humans with periodic needs of extra support. Having the support of loved ones is incredibly important during times of anxiety and resurfacing of old wounds. It can often be seen as overreacting, to those who don't understand the root of our needs.
I'm not fully healed, and I recognize I may never be. But, just like returning to the gym, I will return once again to growth, and keep showing up and doing the work to heal my trauma, and that's what matters. Effort, and trying, and getting a little better every day. As for the sore muscles...I'm going to go for a walk and do some rather painful yoga, as I know I should, because the end result to that will also be healing.
Beach birding at sunset at the end of a high anxiety day.
I am a Field Tech with Swarovski Optik. If you are interested in or have questions about Swarovski products, feel free to email me at tiffanykersten@gmail.com.
